Nostalgia

Camping in May of 2013.  I *think* it was May 2013.

Our son Maxwell died over ten months ago.  As we near that sad anniversary, we are first moving through a season of smaller anniversary mournings.

The last time I drove Max to play practice.
The last time Max had dinner with us.
The last time I heard him sing.
The last time he texted me.

The last time we talked.
The last hug.
So many lasts.

So from two years ago, here are some pictures from the last time Max went camping with us.


It was Friday night, about a week after Stewart flew home from his mission.  We were going the next day to see the new Star Trek Into Darkness film.  It was the night our ward had a family camp-out.

I had ... forgotten that we'd invited Max to this.  So much of our interaction with him the past three years has been so dramatic (and traumatic sometimes), that it was startling to find him in these photos.  Nothing strange happened on this camp.  I didn't argue with him about anything.  It was just a normal weekend.

I do remember the kids playing basketball while the sun was setting.

It got pretty dark, pretty quick.

I remember this hoody.  If I recall correctly, we got it from the thrift store with the "dinosaur spikes" already attached.  Can't remember if no one else wanted it and since Max thought it was funny, he got it.  Or if I checked the weather, and knew it would be cool overnight, so grabbed some extra jackets for kids.

I think of Max, and I think of this pose.  He made it *all* the time.  1/4 turned away from the camera, smirking, thumbs up.

Annddd Suzanna makes *this* pose all the time too.  I love her exuberance in showing joy.

This was back when Sam was *not* yet taller than Stewart.  He is almost taller than me now.

Sam's super power is he can flap his arms at a blinding speed.

Where was Roxie Jane during the basketball game?

Sunrise through the trees the next morning.

Morning hot chocolate and pancakes.

I am grateful for our good memories, the good times we had.  If I had known this was the last time we'd go camping with Max, I would have taken more pictures.  I would have insisted someone take the camera and gotten a good family photo of all us, and our new massive 10-person tent.

If I had known.

There are more nostalgic memories to come in the next few months.  My Grandma Billie has moved into an assisted living facility, and her photo albums have come to me.  Most of the pictures in there of my family were given to her by us (which means I already have most of them somewhere), but going through them again has been a pleasant memory lane trip through photos we loved of people we love.

Mother's Day! Mothers Day!

My Mom with her Sisters Jackie and Candy.

My Dad with his Mom (Billie), her Mom (Me-maw), and *her* Mom (Maudie)

Mom playing cards with Grandpa Stewart, Uncle Ron, and Dad

Mom, standing behind her Dad (Howard), sitting next to her Mom and two sisters

Mom and Dad in Billie's place, looking very '60s.

Mom and Dad.  That looks more '70s.

Mom holding me!

Mom holding me a few months earlier!

As I have grown older, as a person and a parent, I've come to realize how much we become our own person.  Our environment, our genes, our family and friends all influence us.  But we choose who we are, and often those choices can be seen as embracing our family/environment, or as rejecting it.

But we grow up feeling loved because of our mothers.  Our Moms made us, literally.  Then, with all their mortal burden, they loved us.  I am grateful everyday for the Mothers that have led to me.  I'm grateful I felt loved, and grateful for the Moms who keep trying, every day, to make family.

I love you Mom, happy Mother's Day.