Where do you get yours? How do you share it? I feel like I constantly ask the children, when they are reporting something, to just tell me, "What did you do? What did you say? I don't want to hear your version of what someone else did, I can ask them that myself!" They know, by now, better than to under-report their own mistakes.
So many things happen. People get sick. Marriages founder. I remember going to my 15-year reunion and feeling ill from all the people who asked me about taking the bar exam.
"I'm sure you passed!"
*queasy* But what if I didn't? Part of me wished it was a secret that I had graduated from law school, so I could just wait until I knew if I had passed. How awful would it be to have everyone waiting for me to tell them good news...and I have to tell them bad news?
It's easy to understand why some people keep bad news to themselves. Why we wait, thinking to "protect" our friends and loved ones from worry. Sometimes, we are just protecting ourselves from that future embarrassment of having to follow a hopeful interim update with a sad conclusion. I don't think that's fair.
And what about news regarding other people? When you know something (or suspect something, or overhear something . . . or encounter the rumor of something, even?), who do you tell? Where does the respect for person A's privacy end, and the duty to share information begin?
If you find out your neighbor is having an affair, do you tell the spouse?
What if you found drugs in someone's gym bag?
What if you witnessed an abusive behavior by a parent, a boyfriend, a co-worker?
What if you heard about someone planning an activity that you think they'd regret tomorrow? What if you heard a friend's child planning something like that?
I'm not talking about real, legal duties to share; you have to report crimes. I'm talking about that nebulous moral zone occasioned by circumstances like those listed above. Do you have any other examples? Leave a comment with some!
For some, it might be easy to just barge in and start sharing information. I'm pretty sure that's not the best approach; we are cautioned strongly (by both scripture and etiquette manuals) against being gossips, for good reason. Unity and community are important, worthy ideals. A willingness to believe bad news about others (or the tendency to actively seek it out and share it) is destructive to trust and affection, both immediately and eternally.
It involves respect for one another, respect for privacy. If you come to know something damaging about someone else, and it wasn't that person themselves who shared the info with you, how do you handle it?
But it also entails a commitment to the truth. There is a reason hearsay isn't allowed in court. But set that aside, consider only things you know are true. Even if you come into the knowledge of a report of something, it is the fact of the report that is true, not the contents.
There are issues of curiosity, history, gossip, accuracy, all swirling in the issue. Surely nobody wants to be a rumor-monger or gossip, but hopefully, nobody really believes it's better to not know things about each other. Life and coping have their best chances to happily succeed in an environment of honesty and acceptance. Sunshine and openness.
I think we have a social, familial obligation, a duty to share information with each other, if it is information we would acquire ourselves *if* *we* *were* present. On the other hand, things that we wouldn't know about, even if we were neighbors, should be more discretionary. But I wouldn't underestimate the power of community and acceptance to be helpful even with a private struggle like that.
If someone is struggling with drug addiction, for example, or having marital problems, I think it would be a matter very much up to that person and their spouse, whether or not to share details with the family. But if someone got arrested for a drug problem, or got separated/divorced, or suffered some other public setback, then I strenuously argue that the fact of it should be shared with those people who love and care for the person. If you know, you have a duty to disclose.
What about hard feelings and prejudice? If sharing some act, comment, or behavior that is relevant, causes someone to harbor ill-feelings against the actor, shame on them. We have a duty to love, even to increase our love, especially in circumstances of trials like these. No one should feel their problems or hardships exclude them from their family, their friends, their loved ones.
Climbing back down, more to the point, when do you share something that is in process? Jenni's been gone for 8 days now. Our lovely huge dining room table broke (30 minutes before our guests were coming on Thanksgiving!), but it is almost put back together.
Should I have mentioned that the day it happened? Since it will be fixed before she gets back, should I just not mention it? Or should I wait until it is fixed and just reveal how awesome-talented I am in all things carpentastic?
(this was our on-the-fly fix)
I get asked, at least once a day (much more often if I am in a crowd), "How's the job hunt going?"
It is an act of will not to sigh dramatically before responding, "Still looking!"
Should I discuss the call-backs I get? Should I share when I am invited in for an interview?
I think so. So, to that end, I do have an interview next Tuesday, an office job with the Maryland Judiciary.
Just promise me you won't quiz me too closely on the follow-up. If I get the job, I'll let you know.
2 comments:
I am impressed with your quick fix. Excited for the interview!
Knowing how much to share is hard. Good perspective, Dad. Thanks.
I like what you wrote. I've been thinking about it. I often feel frustrated about not knowing things and realizing others who live closer to each other have the privilege of knowing things. I understand why people are private, self-protective, and careful. There's a pride element involved. Sometimes it's hard to respect the desired privacy of others. Sharing takes love and courage. Sharing lets other people into your life and lets them love. I don't like feeling cut off or excluded. I appreciate it when people are open.
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